1.21.2004

I love Miho with all of my heart. I really do, but things between us are just crazy right now. She has to lie to her parents about us seeing eachother. Whenever we make plans if her parents somehow mae plans at that same time I have to rearrange everything to accomodate it, and most of all she is trying to regain their trust all while doing nothing but lying to them about seeing me...

I did what I thought was the right hting today by telling her we should cool off for a little while and be friends for a month or two and see where we are then. She took it the wrong way entirely and now will not even talk to me...I hate how literal and thick she can be at times. I did it for her, to make her life easier...and all she sees it is as me making things easier for myself and that I am dumping her. despite repeated efforts to prove to the contrary...I just don't get it.

Everything I do, I do for her. No matter what it is, I think "how will this affect Miho?" She sees me as self centered and ignorant because I refuse to cave into her parents and let them push me around. I'm already a broken man, but alteast I have my dignity...not much else though. She cares too much about what her parents think and what her family thinks, and what her friend thinks...it goes down that line and then she cares about what I think after all of that. She is soo afraid of her father that she actually presents him with a list of companies she will apply to and if he does not like them she never mentions them again.

Her love is classical music, she lvoes it more than anything in the world. So she decided that she once again wanted to work at a Classical Music Management company. So she put together a list of names like Sony Music, BMG, etc...the top names in the industry...plus Japanese Record Company Avex, with whom her fmaily is friends with the owner of...her father's reaction?? He slams his fist on the table screaming and ranting that she will never work at a music company...one of his main reasons?? Drugs....I don't know about any of you but I can't ever remember seeing a coke head orchestra or a conductor shooting up heroine...you know track marks all over his arms and such...

She lives in fear of her parents. She feels that she has a responsibility to be a good daughter and to show her appreciation for parents helping her get out of the situation she was in...so I posed the question to her...does seeing me make you neither a good daughter nor an appreciative one?? She said "it does." so i told her that maybe we should just be friends for a little while so she could sort all of her serious parent issues out and then maybe when thats taken care of we can resume our relationship...so her first reaction was...just promise me one thing...when you are with another girl use protection....

I was bowled over by that reponse. It hurt like hell for her to assume that I said that so I could screw around. That was the last thing on my mind. I did it for her so that she would have a clear head and be able to tell her parents the truth. I dont want her to have to lie anymore than she has already. So I said to her "Maybe I might see other girls, I dont want to but I might, as should you." Her response at first was "Oh believe me, I will see other guys." what the hell is that?? Then she says a few minutes later "I don't like guys anymore. I will date girls." She reacted skitzo to what I thought would help her out. We were going to have lunch to talk it over tomorrow and she then decided that she will not see me. This is what I was afraid would happen if I didn't try the friends avenue...I thought things between us would gradually deteriorate to the point that we would resent eachother...Now it's been brought right to the surface, right now.

I love her and want nothing but the absoulte best for her...that, again, is why I did this. It's such a shame she doesn't see that...it's kind of ominous that a few minutes after I said this to her that the sky went from sunny to dark grey clouds...almost black...eery I think...

Tokyo is lonely without her...it was the month she was gone and will be until she wakes up and realizes my intent in taking this course of action...if she ever does.