Loneliness

New York is a great city, best in the world. Aptly named "The Capital of the World." It really is the crossroads of all cultures, religions, money, everything meaningful passes through New York atleast once. People dream of coming here their whole lives. People move here with a few hundred dollars and a suitcase, much like I moved to Tokyo, and they dream of making it big. Of being a star. "If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere" Frank Sinatra said back when he was the king of NY. NY is the greatest city in the world.

Despite all of this, I do not want to be here. It is a cold, dark, lonely place that really breaks a man down if he has no one to help him back up when he falls. I fell the minute I learned I would have to come back here. I still haven't gotten up. People here would rather step on your back then help you up. It can be so depressing.

I see all the homeless people, most likely addicted to drugs, wasting away from their addictions and the trials of living on the streets of NY in one of the harshest of any big city winter. Granted it has been mild lately, it is not going to be for long. I see them huddling together over sewer grates for warmth, begging for money, holding signs that say "Why Lie? I need beer, drugs, and sex. Please give me money." Right next to Toys R Us in Times Square....a great image for kids to see. Bring Giuliani back to clean this shit up. He might have been an iron fisted dictator...but NY was atleast clean while he was around.

I see beggars on the subway begging for money. Guys with missing limbs, children begging for money buy selling peanut m & m's, and people dancing and singing. I saw a homeless guy, had to be atleast 60, singing his heart out today in the Fulton Street subway station. He was singing 50's and 60's music. He had an amazing voice that echoed throughout the station and was filled with so much emotion and pain. That guy had to be a star back 40 or so years ago. He sang the songs perfectly above his 50 year old record player that inadequately seeped out the tunes to which his beautiful voice carried on.

People stood there and watched this guy as one, two, three, and four trains passed by. People poured money into his little sack on the ground that said "Please help me to eat." This guy was amazing. He seemed so happy singing all of his songs. You could tell, however, that the only thing that made this guy happy was singing. This is literally all he has. It was as beautiful as it was sad all at the same time.

Then I read about that study involving people with broken hearts having heart trouble. My grandfather just died a few months ago, my grandmother was in the hospital a few days this week with a heart rate of 150...doctors attributed it to that study.

Now me...I am so lonely. Despite the fact that there are over 8 million people in NYC, that Manhattan itself has over 2 million residents, I feel like I am on a desert island in the middle of the South Pacific. I see other people together, happy and care free. People enjoying their lives, living the American dream of going to NY and making it. Living the life I never wanted to live again and have been forced back into.

I had a dream the other day that I woke up one morning and Miho was sitting on the end of my bed looking down on me on Valentine's Day. That she surprised me by flying over here. She leaned down and kissed me on my forehead. I woke up and went to wrap my arms around her to give her a hug and there was no one, there was nothing. Just the emptiness of my dark apartment. I felt so alone that it drove me to a few tears. I just curled up into a ball and tried to go back to sleep so Miho would once again be looking over me with that grin on her face that miss more and more every single day that goes by without me seeing it.

Now comes Valentine's Day. I know I will wake up on Monday morning without Miho looking down upon me from the edge of my bed. I will wake up with this same empty, lonely feeling that has plagued me since the minute I walked through the security gate at Narita Airport and watched Miho burst into tears standing there watching me leave.

I will continue on this lonely path for the foreseeable future. I can't imagine ever being happy without Miho in my life. I don't think I ever will be, unless I wake up next to her every morning. I would marry her yesterday if that is what she wanted. I know that's what I want.

It's been 2 months, 8 days since I last saw her beautiful face. Since I wasn't lonely.